More jokes...

[LilRedCorvette]

Courtesy of a friend's e-mail to me yesterday...enjoy.

Snappy Answer #1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket,
and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing
a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,
but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day",
the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I
could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes
up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge
is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver,
puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck
driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Snappy Answer #5

THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it,
no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-mouth guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle
their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher
smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her
head, and sweetly
says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand."

BONUS Snappy Answer

A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and
one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"
answered the blond.
"They're watch dogs!"


Can't get enough? The BEST is LAST!

A pompous minister was seated next to a TEXAN on a flight to Dallas.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The TEXAN asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and
placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if
he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely
raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips. The TEXAN
looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the attendant
and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

[:D]

[urtoslo]

HARR HARRR!!! Made my day...[:))] Thanks!

[kedvesh]

[:p]

[82CE]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as
a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he
had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge
me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that
she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to
her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the
house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think
she's dumb?"

"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by
all the 'dumb blonde' joke emails we've been receiving."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed
it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[0013]

Nice...

[jpatrick]

Those were VERY funny Laurie!! [:))] I'm all for snappy comebacks!!

[LilRedCorvette]

Those were VERY funny Laurie!! [:))] I'm all for snappy comebacks!!

I think I remember a story from Woodsie that he did Snappy Answer #3 when he got pulled over. I don't know if he got a ticket or not though. Maybe he can enlighten us with the results of that!

[wazzzup]

Good one Laurie!!! [:))] [:))] [:))] [:))] [:))]
Judy, you need to post the one from the worst first date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cried laughing at that one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [:))] [:))] [:))] [:))] [:))] [:))] [:))] [:))] [:))] [:))]

[jpatrick]

Okay; here ya go.

Worst First Date Story

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!

We have all had bad dates.. but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest
room and in the middle of nowhere. Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.

All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." . And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment .. "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.